Interview with the Marduk
by Lord Vetinari
Summary: Sam Petrew here reporting live- I am on the trail of the elusive Rock! (A short and silly interview.) Now added: Kenichi AND Dr. Laughton! Beware! It gets silly!
1. Roku Desu

******** Ok- T- Testing! One, two, three.. H-hello? Ok, it's on. As always, I am Sam Petrew; reporting here in Metropolis, December 27, twenty days since the Ziggurat fell. There are still searches going about there- not for survivors though, unfortunately. Anyway, I've heard from a reliable source that the major Marduk, Rock, has been trying to piece his life together again, and I'm going to see if that rumor is true. Oh, I hope it is- just imagine the story! 'Marduk: Found After Horrid Ziggurat Ordeal- film at eleven!'  
  
******** Testing, testing, one-two, one-two... One-two and a half! Ok, I'm done now. It's the Twenty-ninth, and I found him! He's down in Zone One, hiding from most people.. I'm going to try and get his attention. He's just so evasive though..! Anyway, my electronic diary, keep your hopes up, for Sam Petrew gets his man! ...Just once a blue moon.  
  
******** "Is it on?"  
  
Yeah, it's on, don't worry. Now- oh, go ahead, take a seat- now, Rock, I was hoping to interview you for a bit.  
  
"..."  
  
...  
  
"It was a mistake coming here-"  
  
No! Don't leave!  
  
"And why shouldn't I?"  
  
..What will you be going back to?  
  
"..."  
  
You know you have nothing there- you have nothing you're even living for. So please, if you'll return to your seat..  
  
"*Sigh* What is it you wanted to know?"  
  
Look, you may not be aware of it, but there are hoards of female fans out there, and they want to know anything they can get out of you.  
  
"... I'm not open for any dates, nor am I looking for one. AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE FREAKIN' FEMMES WHO KEEP TRYING TO WATCH ME WHILE I TAKE A FRICKIN' SHOWER-!!"  
  
Calm down, Rock, you're going out of character!  
  
"Ugh.. you're right."  
  
Why are you so defensive about not wanting a date, anyway? Is there someone you like?  
  
"No!"  
  
Someone.. male?  
  
"..."  
  
O-Ok, you can put the gun down.. No, seriously, Rock.. Puty the gunny downy..  
  
"... Never.. EVER say I'm gay!"  
  
Aw, but you've just made a large portion of your fans whine!  
  
"I SAID-!"  
  
Calmdownandputthegunawayfrommyfaceplease?  
  
"Uh.. no, I said 'never ever say I'm gay'.. ... WHICH I'M NOT!!"  
  
You'reawfullydefensiveonthatsubject- Iknowaskingthiswillgetmekilled,butisthereareasonwhy?  
  
"..If you.. had all those women.. HOUNDING you.. day and night.. hoping that you'll get some from another MAN.."  
  
Let'smoveonshallwe??  
  
"Let's."  
  
Canwetakeawaythegunnow?  
  
"Oh.. uh, sorry, I kinda forgot.."  
  
Phew!! Ok.. Now, a subject that a lot of fans seem to focus on is your angst potential.. You know, with how Duke Red never seemed to care for you..  
  
"..How did you know that?"  
  
I watched the movie.  
  
"Ahh.. Anyway, as you were saying?"  
  
Well, what did you feel on your relationship with Duck- er, Duke Red?  
  
"Duck Red...?"  
  
Typo.  
  
"Father.. I would have travelled through Hell and a half to serve him.. He raised me, and for that I am ever grateful. We were close once.. and onto those memories I cling. ..."  
  
So you're going to confirm that you had angst about it?  
  
"..Call it what you will. As for myself.. I call it loyalty. ..Can we move on?"  
  
Um.. let's see.. we covered the Duck Red factor.. the possible homosexuality.. umm.. What do you like?  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Like, you know, ice cream? Video games? Duct tape?  
  
"Duct tape..? ..O..kaaay.. Well.. hm. I don't think on that much.."  
  
Obviously.  
  
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."  
  
Ok ok ok I won't say anything like that just please don't take that gun out again..  
  
"Anyway.. Well, I have to say I like the color red.. Well, both because of my father and.."  
  
And..?  
  
"And.. blood.. Not from others! My own.."  
  
Ah, so there WAS an angst-self-injury-pain thing..  
  
"Yes.. I cut my hands sometimes.. Why do you think I wear my gloves so much?"  
  
I never paid attention..  
  
"I'll move on though. Let's see.. I like to draw, honestly."  
  
Really?  
  
"Indeed."  
  
I would have never guessed it- Rock the Marduk's an artist!  
  
"Thanks.."  
  
You know, Hitler was an artist too, before he- errrr..!  
  
"..."  
  
Eh-heh.. um..  
  
"Beaches."  
  
What?  
  
"I also like the beach."  
  
Ok, so we have a few things you do like.. How about some you don't?  
  
"That's easy- I hate cold baths, yarn, how popcicles leave your hand all sticky, when my sunglasses break, that one guy who beat me up right when I was about to kill Tima, Happy Noodle Boy, bad techno.. Heh- it's hard to think of things I actually like, rather than dislike!"  
  
Um.. How about something not many people know about you?  
  
"You expect me to just give a dire secret out to you to be shared with a nameless mass that may also come to hound me?"  
  
...Yes.  
  
"Well.. How's this for one- I'm a vampire."  
  
No way!  
  
"Nah, but I'm interested in becoming one.. So if any of you fan girls are reading this, and know a way to become one, please send it to:  
  
Rock's little headquarters Somewhere in Zone One By That Old Guy Who Smells Like Cabbage Metropolis, 98008  
  
And I would much appreciate it!"  
  
But wait- why would you want immortality when you don't want to live without your father?  
  
"Good question."  
  
... Don't you plan on answering it?  
  
"Mmyep- that's one good question."  
  
I'll have to contact the author of this fanfic. Anyway, thank you for listening, and this is Sam Petrew signing off! Anything you want to say, Rock?  
  
"I know you're out there, Legolas, and I'll be coming for you!"  
  
Not gay, eh?  
  
"No.. just maybe bi. Naahhh!" 


	2. And now to roast the Duke

::I had so much fun with interviewing Rock I decided to bug the other characters. ^^; Warning: This is none too kind to Duke Red, so read with caution. ::  
  
*** Ahoy-hoy! Sam Petrew, reporting live and well in the Bahamas! Wouldn't you know it- my source (the author) has told me that the big ducky himself, Duck Red, is somewhere here in the archipelago's capital- Nassau. It's rather nice here, very scenic.. exept that these inhabitants! They just keep shoving trinkets and t-shirts in my face! And the smell of their grocery store- ugh! Er, anyway, I'm to search and find him. Mwa ha haa...  
  
*** Koonichiwa! Ich, ni, san.. Ok, it's on.  
  
"Wha..? WH-WHO ARE YOU?! HOW'D YOU GET HERE?!"  
  
Calm down, calm down, I hopped over the fence.  
  
"And the attack dogs?"  
  
I gave them some of those giganto cockroaches that were crawling around.  
  
"I fail to see how that would deflect a dog.."  
  
Uh.. You're a duck.  
  
"ExCUSE me??"  
  
Nothing! What I meant was.. uh.. you're more a cockatoo, actually..  
  
"I've heard enough- get out of my yard! Get off my property! Never let me see you again!"  
  
Sorry, can't do that.  
  
"And why not?!"  
  
I'm a reporter.  
  
"..Oh. Sorry about that. I got used to having privacy- you know how it is.."  
  
I certainly do, being the one to take it away. And I enjoy it too! Anyway, let's move onto questions.  
  
"*Sigh* I'm trying to keep a low profile right now- I don't need such publicity."  
  
Uh.. if you do agree, I'll tell you a way you can revive Tima! Yeah!  
  
"SOLD! What do you want to know?"  
  
Why are you such a jerk to Rock?  
  
"You mean 'why WAS I a jerk'."  
  
Whatever.  
  
"Try having a child.. your first, your only, your most valued thing in life- get used to that for ten years, and then have it ripped away. Several years later, you find another child- one who reminds you of your first, so you raise it. A few years pass.. and then you realize it's a HE. That was the point that made me look for an alternative to ressurect my daughter.."  
  
That's it? Because he's a he?  
  
"Basically, but it mounts up, you know.."  
  
But that's it??  
  
"Hey, Astroboy's first father rejected him because he didn't GROW."  
  
But still- how could you not notice??  
  
"You expect me to look?!"  
  
Well, some fanfic authors think you may have..  
  
"MY GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING!"  
  
Ha ha ha- you don't have a gun to point at me!  
  
"..I'll.. ignore that comment and spare myself the confusion."  
  
So, Dukey, how did you get a name like Duke Red?  
  
"Don't call me 'Dukey'!"  
  
Make me!  
  
"*Sigh* Anyway.. it comes from the manga Metropolis.. My name is just Red (I think) but I was the head of the Red Party, so I was given the title Duke.. or at least, that's this author's interpretation of it."  
  
But couldn't you just switch it around to Red Duke? I mean, it makes more sense..  
  
"You and many others have said that."  
  
Well, why don't you change it then?  
  
"That too."  
  
Hey, you're just avoiding the question!  
  
"Mmyep.. maaaany people."  
  
*Sigh* Let's move on then. What are things you like?  
  
"Things I like..? Ahh, I haven't thought on that for a long time.. Well, except for Tima."  
  
...That didn't sound right...  
  
"Shut up! You know what I mean!"  
  
You mean what you mean, or what you MEAN mean?  
  
"You're just trying to twist my words to use them to your bizarre ways and make me look like a pedophile!"  
  
Hey, I'm a reporter. It's instincts. But let's go back to the question.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
Comes with the job.  
  
"*Sighs yet again* Well.. Fruits. Yes, I like those.. and (hee hee) sunflower seeds. Pumpkin seeds too, actually. And birds. Yeah.. like those cockatiels, you know? With their little creasts, and how they go FWOOP up! And the way they peck at things.. they're just so cute!"  
  
You sound like quite the avian, Dukey. *Snicker*  
  
"And how they flap about like fwip fwip fwip fwip fwip.."  
  
Yes. I'm certain the people will love the sight of you playing pretend in text.  
  
"And- ..I really hate you."  
  
One last question.  
  
"Thank god."  
  
What is with your nose??  
  
"My god, man, have you no decency?!"  
  
I said I'm a re-por-ter!  
  
"Sorry- forgot there."  
  
But seriously- that nose! It's huge!  
  
"No it isn't!"  
  
Yes it is! It's considered a landmark in Metropolis Tours!  
  
"You're making many an enemy with my fans.. I'm warning you.."  
  
NASA just called- they saw your nose from space..  
  
"I really, REALLY hate you."  
  
More than Rock?  
  
"Not that much."  
  
Do you plan on meeting him again sometime soon?  
  
"Hopefully never."  
  
Yeesh.. some father.  
  
"My nose isn't THAT horrendous that it interferes with my parenting!"  
  
I didn't say anything about your nose!  
  
"Well I did!"  
  
You need a therapist. That and a nose job.  
  
"..You better leave, as in RIGHT NOW.."  
  
Or else what?  
  
"I'll sick Astroboy on you!"  
  
...uh... o..kayy.. riiiiight..  
  
"Yeah, you'd BETTER leave! Come back and I'll stab you to death with this 'ridiculous' nose of mine!"  
  
And that's that, folks..  
  
_______ Author: And I apologize to you Duke Red fans.. I just couldn't help myself. And besides- he's so mean to Rock! 


	3. I Title it: INSANE!

::I laid in bed awake, trying to think of things to ask the other characters.. Two I wanted to get to were Kenichi and Dr. Laughton, but I just couldn't think of questions for either of them- Kenichi being so sweet he could cause cavities and Laughton since he died twenty minutes in the movie.. So this I decided to interview 'em both. Naah. You're reading it, you deal with it. Oh, and some slight language.. probably nothing worse than you hear daily in high school though. ::  
  
********Ahoy-hoy! Heeellllooooooooooo!! Sam Petrew here, as always! I just got out from watching the movie over again- apparently it seemed that my original plan (code named 'Bug-da-Laughton') wasn't going to work, he being dead.. That was, until I saw the newest invention on TV. All I need to do is find the boy Kenichi...  
  
******** *Tap tap tap* Ok, it's on.  
  
"Wha? Wh-who are you??"  
  
I am *pose* a REPORTER! Bow before my inquirent might!  
  
"Is inquirent a word?"  
  
Well, it is now. So you are Kenichi, nephew of Shunsaku, lover of Tima, friend of Perro, classmate of Astroboy?  
  
"*Blush* I wasn't that close to Tima.. I mean- well, I liked her- I mean, like a friend- errr... Anyway, the rest is true.."  
  
Even the Astroboy part?  
  
"Yeah.."  
  
But I thought that guy was back with Duke Red..?  
  
"*Shrug* Believe what you will."  
  
Uh.. okaayyy... Anyway, would you please take this little inconspicuous little machine device with all the little lights and doodads on it and insert it into your arm?  
  
"Of course I will, because I'm just that sweet, innocent, and naive. *Prick* Ow! Uh.. might I ask WHY you asked me to do that though?"  
  
Because that, my sweet, innocent, and naive friend, was the physically impossible Laughton-Posessor-o-Matic! You are now the physical manifestation of both yourself and Dr. Laughton, the very man you and your uncle were sent here to search for!  
  
"Eh??!"  
  
Mmyep.  
  
"Wh-What's happening to-?!? /Eh? I live again?"  
  
Cool! Laughton's speech has little slashes next to it!  
  
"/That was a pathetic excuse of an explination to the audience what that slash was supposed to be."  
  
But it worked.  
  
"You can't really argue with that.. Wait.. Dr. Laughton now posesses me??"  
  
No. It's Richard Nixon.  
  
"OH GOD, THE HORROR! /Quiet down, for pete's sake! I'm Laughton!"  
  
Neatness! So I can get two interviews done in one chapter! Anyway, onto my questions..  
  
"/What- so wait, I was resurrected into this boy just to be interviewed and then sent back into the incredable Void Beyond?"  
  
Yeah, pretty much.  
  
"/Oh. But.. can I make a little robot before this is over though?"  
  
Nope.  
  
"/Dang."  
  
So, Kenichi, you're first. How old are you?  
  
"Uh.. well, why do you want to know?"  
  
Because in the Japanese dubbing, you have a young man's voice, but in the American one, you sound like a young kid.. and either way, you LOOK prepubescent.  
  
"Did you even spell 'prepubescent' correctly?"  
  
Uh.. sure. Anyway, answer the question.  
  
"Well, the answer's simple, really, because in truth I am /SATAN HIMSELF! MWA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!"  
  
Oh, this is rich..!  
  
"/And I like to watch Winnie the Pooh!! BACKWARDS!"  
  
Laughton, I never knew you had a funny side.  
  
"/Hell, I'm posessing a kid, what else can I do?"  
  
Anyway, Kenichi, as you were saying?  
  
"Perro was a cameo from Astroboy."  
  
But your age, kid, what's your age?  
  
"I'm.. uh.. in school, so.. um.. Yes?"  
  
Do you even know?  
  
"Well, the thing is.. I do know, but.. well, I'm.. around.. oh, say.."  
  
Dang it, everyone stalls on answers for me! Moving on. Laughton, what have you been up to since your death?  
  
"/I'm DEAD, dolt! What do you think I've been doing??"  
  
That's why I'm asking. I mean, you're dead.. give us an insight as to what lies beyond?  
  
"/Um.. well.. All I'm allowed to tell you is that there are llamas."  
  
Llamas?  
  
"/Lots of them."  
  
...Of course. Kenichi, what do you think he's been up to?  
  
"Me? Well, I think /Hey! Why are you asking HIM?? He knows diddlysquat about me!\ Anyway, I think that he's been.. um.. practicing ballet? /EVIL, kid, you're pure EVIL!\ Well you were the one who said I was the satanistic Winnie-addict! /Go excersize and eat honey, you poof!"  
  
Easy, gentlemen! We don't want to tear ourselves appart in the middle of an interview..  
  
"/Yes we do!" *Dances on the nearby table* "/Look at me! I'm Kenichi! I get to fall down drains and get beaten up by robot girls and emotionally- outta-whack Marduks!!\ Hey! Stop that! That isn't nice! /So what?! I'm posessing a sweet, innocent, and naive kid who doesn't even know his own age and falls in love with artificial beings!!\ *Sniff* S-stop it..! /Aw shoot- now he's gonna cry.."  
  
Uh..  
  
"I-I'm gonna sic Uncle Shunsaku on you..! /Yeesh! Wimp."  
  
Gentlemen, can we get back to the questions?  
  
"Don't you care that I'm CRYING?? Don't you care that I'm being posessed by a evil, maniacal dead man?! /Waa waa waa, blee blee blee, I'm Kenichi and I can't take an insult!\ WAAAAHH!!"  
  
C'mon, Laughton, lighten up..  
  
"/No!"  
  
But he's flooding the room..!  
  
"/Aw, fine.. it's getting hard to see with all his tears anyway."  
  
Ok, now that we're FINALLY back onto questions.. uh.. I.. can't think of any.  
  
*Strangles Sam* "/YOU SUMMONED ME FROM BEYOND TO ANNOY AND FRUSTRATE ME AND THEN TELL ME YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHY YOU BROUGHT ME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?"  
  
Gahk..! It seems.. Laughton.. has a.. temper..!  
  
*Pauses* "/..Well, yeah, when Duke Red isn't forcing me around.." *Continues to strangle*  
  
H-how did.. *gasp!* you two meet.. anyway..?  
  
*Finally lets go* "/Hmm.. that's an interesting question."  
  
You're not going to stall on me too, are you..?  
  
"/It begins long ago, in a blimp far, far away.."  
  
..I always hated that blimp..  
  
"/It in the blimp's bar, the Happy Chocobo- we were celebrating Halloween.. I was dressed as Mickey Mouse."  
  
I smell copyrights..  
  
"/Anyway, I was bobbing for apples with a few friends.. and it was when I went in for the apples, I was stabbed in the forhead with a blunt object. Lo and behold, it was the Duke's nose!"  
  
Kinda figured something like that would happen.. I'll assume it went from there.  
  
"/Oh yes, there and beyond..!"  
  
*Long pause* I hope you didn't mean that how it sounded. I'm also going to surpress that memory that I won't have to take therapy over it. ANYWAY!! Kenichi!  
  
"Huh? Oh- sorry- I fell asleep. /I'm not THAT boring, jeez!"  
  
Is it true you're so sweet, innocent, and naive that you can cause cavities?  
  
"Um.. I don't know.. never asked."  
  
Entertain me!  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Let me think of a random question for you so that I can make the bored audience laugh... Hmm..  
  
"/The heck is your orientation, anyway?\ EH?? /You heard me! You have such potential for a relationship with Atlas and/or Rock- are you straight? Bi? Gay? Other?\ I hiss at you and everyone who looks like you!! Tima is the only person I've ever loved- and the only person I will ever love!"  
  
Not that close to Tima, eh?  
  
"Shove a sock in it! This is enough! I'm going out of character because of you guys! /Uh-oh..\ You heard me, fatman, that's it! I'm going OOC!"  
  
Hit the decks!  
  
*Summons Super Nova* "YAAARGH! TREMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHTY KENICHI SWEET, INNOCENT, AND NAIVE MIGHT!!"  
  
*Scene pauses as Atlas walks in front of the screen* 'I'm sorry to interrupt this, but the author has obviously lost it. While our efforts are going to both dull Duke Red's nose and capture the elusive Legolas, we don't have the time to put down a rabid author thats making the main character go nuts. So.. uh.. sorry. Should there be any updates as to further interviews, and hopefully better ones at that, I will try to fit in Blackjack, so.. yeah. Kudos if you know him. Um.. Ko-na-na!' 


End file.
